I’m in a slump again. That’s the thing about depression: it just keeps coming back. There’s a lot of temptation to just curl up and do the bare-minimum to get by. Go to work because I have to (or I’ll be fired), make sure my cat is taken care of, and try to take care of my own needs.
Some days are like that. I once heard someone compare it to being a SIM character; make sure all the bars are filled and just wait it out from there. I try to make sure I’ve eaten and slept and moved around a bit and if I can enjoy some entertainment, then bonus.
But a lot of the time I don’t want to be like that. The fun part of SIMS is not the everyday monotony, it’s when you’re building a new house, or trying to romance another SIM, or generally screwing around with your character. It’s not: wake up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep.
That’s what my life feels like right now. I’m back in a depressive slump and just going through the motions and I don’t even feel like I’m creating anything any more.
None of my writing feels like its working. The second book in my trilogy is awful and changing that means I’ll have to change huge swathes of the third book that’s already written and the more I think about it the more I dislike the first book too. Not that anyone’s reading it. I don’t have the audience. I’m not the self-promoter I need to be for self-publishing. I’m tired.
Even doing something like this is actually just exhausting, especially since I don’t want to leave it for a week but I also don’t want to be super negative. I’m just not feeling super positive right now and thus aren’t sure what to write about.
I’m trying to be nice to myself about it. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to magically not be depressed anymore. Asking the impossible of myself is not going to help and isn’t going to achieve anything. Trying to understand what I need and what I don’t is my best bet right now. Yesterday, what I needed was a reminder that I’m not alone in this. I spent my entire drive home listening to ‘Wait for It’ from Hamilton: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulsLI029rH0).
It does help to remind myself that there’s a difference between standing still and laying in wait. Taking some time to figure things out, to save up money, to take a break is all okay. Even if I’m not huge strides right now doesn’t mean I’m not moving towards my goals. Baby steps are still steps.
Sometimes its just hard to remember that.