Sorry, I’m late again. It’s been a whirlwind week and I feel like I’ve been going non-stop between work and non-work activities.
I was supposed to get a tattoo on Wednesday but that didn’t happen. We did end up in Toronto; visiting the CN Tower and the Ripley’s Aquarium (I got to touch a manta ray. Turns out they’re rather slimy).
On Thursday, my birthday, we bused out to Niagara Falls and took a boat trip into the horseshoe itself. That…that was a real rush. We bused back to Toronto and only made our train by planning on being super late because that was the night the Raptors won and Toronto was already a mess getting ready for the game.
My friends headed home on Saturday and I worked both Sunday and Monday. Then I went to a beginners D&D night last night which just completely filled up Monday.
I’m trying really hard not to shut myself off. If you had asked me if I wanted to spend my birthday in the noisy rush of transport and the mid-way which is the Canadian side of downtown Niagara Falls I would have told you no. I’m an introvert, I would have told you I wanted something quieter.
But…in the complete roaring rush of the Falls my head actually went quiet. Sure, I was yelling a lot; the whole thing is a little overwhelming and scary but also very cool. But I wasn’t anxious. My heart was pumping and skittering differently. It felt like I was actually alive in the moment and not just worried about mistakes of the past or the unknown future.
It was me: my hands freezing cold as they gripped the rail, my glasses smeared with spray, my ears ringing with the total noise of gallons of rushing water.
And it wasn’t just Niagara Falls either. There were quieter moments too, when my head was so wrapped up in what we were doing that nothing else really matter. My grad/birthday dinner with friends and family (something that hadn’t happened in so long), the off-brand Harry Potter escape room (we beat it with six minutes to spare!), mini-putt, and the garden between the Falls and the Hard Rock Café where we paused to take pictures.
Looking back on it, I’ve had to face some hard realizations. I’m my own worst enemy. Even those quiet moments wouldn’t actually be quiet for me if I did them on my own right now. My head just gets too loud and I just LET IT. Sure, this week hasn’t been perfect but my anxiety didn’t keep me up nearly as much. My depression didn’t keep me down. There was just other things to focus on; other things to do.
One of the last things my friends and I did was sign me up for a psychic reading at one of the local new age shops. She used a mixture of tarot cards, palm reading, and aura reading and she told me a lot of harsh truths that I’ve been ignoring in my self.
I tend to focus on the negatives. I tend to shove my emotions deep down inside rather than letting them out, giving them up and letting them go. I tend to try and take on everyone’s problems and solve them even when I really fucking hate when others try to do that to me. I blame myself when I can’t fix everything but tend to be real blind to the moments of self-sabotage in my own life.
I’m actually so afraid of people seeing me as different, nerdy, flawed, needy, that I just close the door and say its because I’m introverted that my normal path is between apartment and work and back again. The most I tend to get out is the grocery store.
And none of that is going to change until I decide I WANT it to change and actually WORK for it. I can’t be a better person while acting the same way.
So the first D&D meeting on Monday night is step one. I’ll go again next week. And the week after.
I’m going to get out more. Maybe not Niagara Falls but also not my apartment. I’m going to try and focus on the good things that can happen, that I can make happen. I’m going to try and actualize it rather just say it and forget.
Wish me luck.